From Loneliness to Friendship

The Beatles sang about lonely people in “Eleanor Rigby.” Here’s a haunting stanza: “Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name. Nobody came! Father Mackenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave. No one was saved… All the lonely people where do they come from? All the lonely people where do they belong?”

 There is a loneliness in America. Distancing from one another during the lockdown hasn’t helped. A virus pandemic with conflicting news bytes can either heighten awareness or promote anxiety.

How do you deal with loneliness? We are lonely for more reasons than we realize. You can see it if you’re observant. Let’s recognize the many faces of loneliness. Loneliness is invasive. Here’s four faces.

Leadership Loneliness

The loneliness of those who lead. There’s a weight to leadership. Instilling the Great Commandments and the Great Commission is glorious but demanding work. Moving 30 or 3000 people toward common goals while maintaining the unity of the Spirit takes the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon. Teaching the faith and doing soul-care require spiritual and emotional maturity that comes only from a long obedience.

One leader confided in me: “There would be days when I would be in my office, some afternoon, and no one would knock on my door. They assumed I was busy in ministry work. Sometimes I’d hope for that rap on the door.” People in ministry leadership can be the loneliest people.

Relational Loneliness

Ah the loneliness of superficial relationships. Despite all the connections we have at work, church, or home we can still be lonely. We have many acquaintances, but few real friends to do life with.

I remember when I was in my early 20s, overcome with profound loneliness. There were people all around me, a crowd even, but I was all alone. A new immigrant trying to understand a foreign culture, eating foods I wasn’t used to eating, learning to speak a foreign language, always feeling homesick.

Loneliness of Depression

For some, their bodies are off kilter. They need help to adjust their moods. Traumatic events and painfully wounded hearts make them want to drop out of life or die. They feel blue.

I identify. We all feel all alone some time. In our loneliness we need friends who believe in us, not criticize and solve our problems presto, as Job’s friends did.

Loneliness of Loss

Loss is a given life. We lose some things to gain others. We lose the comfort of the womb to gain a spacious life outside it. We lose the dreams of our youth as we encounter life’s realities. In older ages we lose agility, mobility, hair, eyesight, and eventually health or death.

My good friends, pastors, leaders, let’s spend time understanding the trauma of loss. It’s all around us. We must learn to speak lonely, a language everybody is fluent in.

Loneliness Without a Face

Everyone feels this loneliness. No one is protected. Nor is it a bad thing. Many have tried to give it a name. Pascal thought of it as an empty shape on the inside only God in Christ can fill.

It’s the loneliness we feel when we bring kids into the world. We know we can’t protect them from everything bad. We want to shelter them from mean friends, brutal events, their own mistakes, death. 

Do you identify? At times our hearts are restless, searching, and unsatisfied in our longings. We’re like a deer panting for water, yearning for someone to fully know, understand, and accept us just as we are? 

But don’t forget. There’s a treasure hidden in loneliness because God attached a longing to it: friendship with him. Friendship with God alone brings a measure of joy during these aspects of loneliness.

Can you hear the call? God says: “I want to be friends with you.” How will we respond?